Understanding

The more I work at the church I grew up in and get to know the parents of people I grew up with, I am growing to have compassion on people equally while before I harbored like or dislike, because I am seeing so much that we are a product of our parents and that the same person who may annoy me so much is also a child who had no choice as to who their parents were.

DECEMBER

A number of things happened during the month of December:

I purchased spontaneously combustible paint pigment

   

Gus was cute:  

   

My brother-in-law-in-law made an amazing treehouse for our nephew for his birthday:  

  

I cooked Spanish paella for my parents for Christmas (spanish like “from Spain”, not spanish like “the clams and mussels speak in Spanish”):  

   

I got a canary for Christmas from my father-in-law (let’s hope my luck is better on this one):  

   

I also was included in the family traditions of PJ’s and extremely stuffed stockings. Now if he had fit the birdcage INTO the stocking, that would have been impressive, but also messy, so I understand it’s for the best he didn’t.

There was also the Cilker Clan Christmas. I think the dog is afraid of dad’s santa hat:

   

And Kiln Firing! Daniel’s neighbor has a kiln and fires pottery of his and friend’s every month or so, and this time Daniel and our friend Josh took a 6 hour shift. Sunrise:

   

The wood-fire kiln:

   

Stoking the fire:

   

And then you get these!

   

Daniel’s cool artistic photo:

   

For New Year’s we went to Dutch Flat. Where is that, you ask? Somewhere around Auburn. Also known as the Athens of California, Dutch Flat consists of about 80 people including Josh’s mother and dog. We spent the evening in her 1860’s Victorian House eating her Courdon Bleu cooking and playing Bang! This is the main street of Dutch Flat:

   

At Dutch Flat I learned that inflation has not been good for Zimbabwe:

   

And that bicycles make a nice fence:

   

And that there exists one peculiar club:

   

And that nothing happened there in 1897:

   

We called this the dragon house:

   

This is lover’s leap. It’s basically the Half Dome of Dutch Flat. Here Josh is telling us his story of falling down a slightly less steep cliff as a child. He held onto a root to save his life or something. The view was amazing:

   

A lot more happened, but I have no photos for it.

The End. At least, of 2009!

DAILY MOMENT OF ZEN

Before I start this train of thought, I want to say I just found out that the stop-animation film “The Santa Claus” is sung and told by Fred Astaire! Exciting. Who knew.

 

Moving on, what exactly is a Daily Moment of Zen? The title comes from The Daily Show, a late night show on cartoon network that we used to watch in college. The Daily Moment of Zen was something ridiculous that had been put in the news. It made no sense. Here is an example (you don’t need to watch the whole thing – I didn’t):

In my life, however, what I call Daily Moments of Zen are those moments that have nothing to do with anything and are absolutely useless. Yet it is these things that hold the world together, that are the glue in the normal flow of life.

My Children’s Lit teacher in Spain called them “cosas inutiles”: useless things. Like how children play or imagine, things that do nothing substantial for society, yet these are the realms in which they learn and grow and think about the world and enact possibilities. That year in Spain I went through a hard time figuring out where useless things fall into life. Being raised in a world of the American Work Ethic and Save The World Mentality, being in another country with a lot of free time where I could do nothing substantial for them because I couldn’t speak the language made me depressed (looking back there are flaws in that feeling).
 
I didn’t know where to fit this in with the idea that I should always be doing something productive. But it hit me one day when I heard my roomate and her boyfriend laughing: this is the reason that we live. It’s the little things, the cosas inutiles, that keep us going, that break up life with its surprisingness while holding it together with its interestingness.

If we didn’t have these moments of laughter or beauty, our life would be all work (of course, ultimately you want to find beauty and laughter IN our work, but we are human and tend towards extremes, those of extreme work and extreme play, so sometimes we need to be pulled out of our tunnel vision). It is the moments that take your breath away and when you breathe again you remember how good it is to be alive.

These are a few of my recent moments of zen:

Driving around the corner in the mountains and a clump of leaves suddely is blown from a tree like a blanket, the yellow leaves flipping and shimmering in the light against a background of dark shadow.

Driving around a curve in the freeway a flock of birds fly up from the median, their backs alternately reflect the sunlight like the ocean and their wings beat too fast to see. It reminds me of the leaves but backwards, falling up instead of down.

Driving over the summit on a rare snow day. That first sight of trees and road and building that are normally so familiar covered in a blanket of white is a like a dream: everything is similar but different. Everything is changed like a woman in makeup: enhanced so you notice certain feature more or that you normally wouldn’t at all, while at the same time you know the real person is still tucked underneath the cover.

Driving home to a cool song, a bug walking across the windshield, I feel like being nice and not throwing him out the window to be squished on a windshield. It is surreal. Then it starts to fly and I freak out and he lands on me and I try to bat him away and drive at the same time, as I open the window…(that moment of zen came to a quick end for both of us, perhaps the bug’s being more tragic).

The sunset.

Being held in Daniel’s arms.

Laughing for no reason.

Hearing a good song.

There are so many more. These are the moments that mean nothing and yet everything because they tie the day together. Sometimes I think they are the most important moments of my day precisely because they have nothing to do with it. They remind me that I am a vapor, here for split second, then gone, so why am I so worried about everything? When someone asks, What have you done today? Half the time I want to say, I turned the corner and I saw the leaves fall…

Snow!

It snowed! This is exciting because it barely ever snows here.

This is Daniel’s father’s house in the hills:

 

 

Just wanted to share :)

Nevember Review

Above: Our Christmas decorations.

Everyone has been asking me if we’re decorating for Christmas or if we’re getting a tree. Apparently as the woman of the house it’s up to me to do these things. However, we were lucky enough to get two nativity sets and a cow creamer for getting married, and a little halloween cat on top of a pumpkin in Daniel’s tea, so, today being already 3 days too late into December, our house is officially decorated. We do plan on getting a tree and lights, if you were wondering. But really, shouldn’t baby Jesus be enough? And not just one, but two! Anyway, after living for 2.5 years in woods full of real Christmas Trees 100-200 feet tall, the novelty of the indoor decorated types kinda wore off. But the smell hasn’t, so we must bring it indoors! Maybe tomorrow we’ll chop one down in our backyard.

But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. I’m here to report what has happened this month. In case you haven’t noticed, I haven’t been writing here too often, partially because it’s more exciting to wait longer and to have more to report, and partially because it’s just been crazy. At least in my mind.

So, NOVEMBER.

I worked a lot.

I paid off my credit card by selling some of my model horse collection.

We took care of Kanyon’s dog Dummy, as Daniel named him. He had no name and was a stray and professional escape artist. And by we I mean Daniel. He did most of the work fencing in the dog, fixing the fence, yelling at the dog…I’m so glad we have a cat. In fact, let’s take a break to demonstrate how cool Gus is:

Whose cat sleeps like that?

Ours.

Anyway, also in November was nephew Titus’ Birthday. He had his first piece of cake. It was exciting.

I was harassed by Sharky, the Shark’s mascot. Apparently he didn’t mean it, but it wasn’t funny.

Last week I got sick with a sickness that gave me a different symptom every day for a week.

On Thanksgiving Day the electricity went out  so Nana put the turkey in the barbeque but it didn’t get done in time so we had ham. It was a feast. Then we brought the feast to my cousin who was working at Starbucks that day. My dad took pictures as she ate her meal in the lobby with all of us around her, coworkers watching.

At Thanksgiving for the Orphans the next day we feasted again and visited Daniel’s family’s neighbor’s kiln firing. They fire pottery in wood kilns and we talked around the warmth.

The next day we learned how to throw pots on the spinning wheel! It’s hard.

That night we went to a concert by The Books in San Francisco in this cool little church that rents the space out to this music club. A rare chance to have beer and cookies in church.

And lastly, Gus got fat. This whole month we’ve been fedding him less and been wondering why he’s so fat. We thought maybe it was worms. But it just turns out that not one, but TWO of our neighbors have been feeding him!

That’s it. I will leave you with another Gus picture:

Where Angels Fear to Tread

“Every little trifle, for some reason, does seem incalculably important and when you say of a thing that ‘nothing hangs on it’ it sounds like blasphemy. There’s never any knowing – how am I to put it – which of our actions, which of our idlenesses won’t have things hanging on it for ever.” – E. M. Forster

My Husband

My husband started an etsy site for his art:

http://www.etsy.com/shop/DanielLinsenbardt

And a compost pile for his thoughts:

http://apotheosisthevug.blogspot.com/

…also known as a weblog.

I think the way he writes is hilarious and ingenious and as I read his weblog I felt a mix of incredulity and gratituity at the fact that the last time I read similar writings by him they were his mass emails to home from Germany, before we were ever dating, when we had basically let it be known to each other that we liked each other but nothing could happen because he was leaving to study abroad for a year. The suspense of not knowing what was going to happen when he got back killed me (ironically I prolonged it by studying abroad in Spain the following year) so I tried to put it off by not thinking about him too much but honestly it didn’t work very well because every time I read one of those update letters from him it made me get this weird ache in my bones. And now I get to hear him talk every day and hear his thoughts every day and fall asleep beside him every day and that is absolutely incredible to me because for so long I liked him and for so long I had to convinced myself nothing would happen. But it did. And I am blessed.

A Chronicle of Marriage: The First Two Months

It seems like a lot has happened our first two months of marriage, I said, as I related everything to my sister-in-law. You should write a chronicle about it, she said, and put it on your blog.

So here it is:

We got married August 29, 2009. Getting married was the best decision I have ever made and the single most terrifying experience of my life. I hate being the center of attention, which does not bode well when you invite over 350 people to your wedding. The whole experience was rather bizarre: they tell you that your wedding is all about you, but it’s not – it’s about everyone else who wants to see you get married and talk to you and give you their advice. But none of the advice people gave me applied – I didn’t need to drink a ton beforehand so as not to faint, I had plenty of time to eat during the wedding, and I didn’t have to worry about talking to every guest because there were too many. Also bizarre was that a few things the wedding planner clarified ten million times with us “Just so I get it right,” weren’t done right – nothing big enough that anyone would notice, but big enough that to me it was curious. However, the fact that the DJ and photographer were absolutely amazing made up for everything. Amazing dancing and amazing dancing pictures are really what make a wedding. That and getting married.

Being on birth control made me have my period almost all the time. I’m sure you wanted to know that. But just for encouragement, I learned that you CAN make it through your worst nightmare. But it sucks. AND, ask the doctor to change your prescription.

The honeymoon was great but we got bored after three days. All you do is eat and sleep and read and go braindead. Honeymoons are just as bizarre as weddings. First, because it’s not real life. Half the excitement of getting married is that you get to live life together, and then you have to wait. Second, it’s very bizarre to be completely alone after the biggest event of your life while you know that everyone at home is talking, cleaning, debriefing, and thinking that you’re having this amazing orgasmic honeymoon time while really you’re just trying to recover from the best and most traumatic day of your life, not to mention all the days of planning it. By the time we got back home we were more than ready to unpack and move in and start real life.

It took three trips with Daniel’s truck to move all our gifts for the sole reason that stores wrap tiny bowls in big boxes. I drove Gus the cat over in my car. He didn’t like the carrier so I let him sit in my lap as I drove.

Our first week home I was scheduled to work every day when I had asked for the first week off. So I worked two jobs every day while Daniel unpacked the dishes, cleared the weeds, and up the house. It was a bizarre shift in roles.

One night we woke up to a horrible squeeling noise that sounded like a catfight in the walls. We looked for Gus and found him in a hole in the wall in the closet, traumetized. He was traumetized all day. We still don’t know what happened to him in the wall.

Daniel got Poison Oak. It was either from clearing the backyard or rubbing his face in the cat. His face swelled up and his arms and legs were patchy red. After a few awful days of this he bought an amazing cream for $40 and ounce that cleared it up immediately.

I got into a spinout on 17 when someone tried to pass another car and I was in the way. I lost control, hit the guard rail and hit the median where the car stopped. The first wave of cars avoided me, then I jumped out of my car and ran across the freeway to the pullout area. Then my car, apparently missing me, rolled backward across the freeway to my side, so I opened the door and pulled the E-brake. Then I called Daniel and AAA.

That Saturday we stayed inside all day, recovering.

I was a little emotional from everything and broke down at my violin lesson. I was going to have to quite because my life was too crazy and my schedule too unstable, but after a pep talk from my violin teacher I realized I just need to plan more. I hate times of transition – everything falls apart and I always forget to plan.

There was a crazy storm and the power went out for 1 1/2 days so we lit every candle we got as a wedding gift and had a scrabble by candlelight night.

Thanks to the crazy storm the corner of our bedroom got wet and molded. It smelled like mildew all week.

Thanks to the crazy mold, Daniel got sick.

At some point we visited Daniel’s grandma and uncle in Montana. The first thing Daniel’s uncle said to me was: “I don’t like lip rings.” Daniel’s Grandma said: “Well, after that last stretched back muscle I was in so much pain I didn’t think I was going to make it, but now I feel like I could live forever!” This is from the woman who is 90, can’t really hear or see, and has one leg amputated.

Someone asked us how long we’d been married. We realized our one month anniversary was the day before.

Daniel planted the garden and two days later the radishes started growing! Immediate gratification rocks.

Gus caught a lizard and brought it to us. I threw it outside and told him to eat it. He neatly laid it in the middle of the doormat.

Gus also likes to jump out of the bushes and scare you when you get home. Unfortunately for him, you can totally see him hiding. He doesn’t like being called out.

I fell when I went running. My knee bled like a little kid’s. I limped for a week. It took several weeks to heal.

One morning I woke up with a bladder infection and a flat tire. Bladder infections aren’t fun, but I can’t complain about the flat tire because two weeks earlier I realized there was a bolt in it and chose to keep driving on it anyway.

We are at war with our cat. He thinks we don’t feed him enough so he tips over the food bag last night and pigs out. So we spank him. So he throws the garbage everywhere. So we glare at him and cuddle him to death.

The house a few houses behind us burned to the ground. I find that phrase odd – burn to the ground – because in reality the house was drenched to the ground by the firefighters.

One morning we awoke to 900 having been withdrawn from Daniel’s account without his knowledge. It turns out his brother’s school overdrafted into his account for some reason. Luckily it wasn’t theft, but it still was a surprise.

Today is November 1. Now we see what this month holds.

About attitude

To quote from a series of Creativity Talks I’ve been listening to something that has nothing to do with creativity…

“If you don’t like what you see, why don’t you think about changing? Because I think all of us, whether we want to admit it to ourselves, are trying to make people behave the way that we think they should. Sort of messianic but we pretend it isn’t.”

-Edward Albee

Eyes are blind

“People,” said the fox, “have guns and they hunt. It’s quite troublesome. And they also raise chicken. That’s the only interesting thing about them. Are you looking for chickens?”

“No,” said the little prince, “I’m looking for friends. What does tamed mean?”

“…It means, ‘to create ties’…For you you’re only a little boy just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you have no need of me, either. For you I’m only a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, we’ll need each other. You’ll be the only boy in the world for me. I’ll be the only fox in the world for you…if you tame me, my life will be filled with sunshine. I’ll know the sound of footsteps that will be different from all the rest. Other footsteps send me back underground. Yours will call me out of my burrow like music. And then, look! You see the wheat fields over there? I don’t eat bread. For me wheat is of no use whatever. What fields say nothing to me. Which is sad. But you have fair the color of gold. So it will be wonderful, once you’ve tamed me! The wheat, which is golden, will remind me of you. And I’ll love the sounds of the wind in the wheat. …Here is my secret. It’s quite simple: One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes. …It’s the time you spent on your rose that makes your rose so important. …People have forgotten this truth,” the fox said. “But you mustn’t forget it. You become responsible for the rose…”

“I’m responsible for my rose…,” the little prince repeated, in order to remember.

*******

Slowly I hoisted the bucket to the edge of the well. I set it down with great care. The song of the bulley continued in my ears, and I saw the sun glisten on the still-trembling water.

“I’m thirsty for that water,” said the little prince. “Let me drink some…”

And I understood what he’d been looking for!

I raised the bucket to his lips. He drank, eyes closed. It was as sweet as a feast. That water was more than merely a drink. It was born of our walk beneath the stars, of the song of the pulley, of the effort of my arms. It did the heart good, like a present…”

“People where you live,” the little prince said, “grow five thousand roses in one garden…yet they don’t find what they’re looking for… And yet what they’re looking for could be found in a single rose, or a little water…”

“Of course,” I answered.

And the little prince added, “But eyes are blind. You have to look with the heart.”